


to feel at home

by alphacentauris



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, M/M, all that good stuff, lance saving the day and confessing, the post season 4 scene that we DESERVE, the team finding out the shit keith pulled and getting scared because of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 22:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12491924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphacentauris/pseuds/alphacentauris
Summary: "You have to listen to me. You have to look me in the eye and listen to what I have to say to you. You owe me that much. After what you did today, after the way you’ve been pulling away from us, there’s some things I gotta say, and you owe it to me to listen, please.” And so he does, because Lance always knows the right things to say to Keith, to get him to do what he wants.





	to feel at home

**Author's Note:**

> HEY FOLKS HERE IT IS THE FIRST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN THAT I'M PUBLISHING
> 
> ?? i seriously have no idea what to put here lol. this is super rushed bc i kinda churned it out in like three hours 
> 
> fic title was taken from the song 'the green and the town' by ajr!!! check it out that song is SO GOOD
> 
> also i didnt bother reading this over when i was finished because i have a 10 am class in less than 6 hours so if there's a bunch of horrendous grammatical and spelling errors im so sorry please know im better than that
> 
> anyways!!! i hope you like it :)) you can find me on tumblr @fuckvld lol

The words ring like the toll of a bell inside Lance’s head.

_“He was going to kill himself_ _—”_ Matt had said. There had been more. A “to”, followed by an explanation, but Lance had stopped listening, couldn’t hear anything past the ringing in his ears and the rush of pure panic and fear that was coursing through his body and turning his blood to ice. Kill himself. Keith was going to— oh, god.

 

“Get him here.” He says abruptly, interrupting a conversation which, unless about getting Keith back to the castle _immediately_ , is irrelevant to him. The others look at him, mixtures of devastation and shock on their faces. “Call the Blade, get him here. Now.” He turns and walks out of the room, leaving no room for negotiation and ignores the feeling of something wet on his cheeks.

 

**

 

Keith lays on a bed that isn’t his, and watches the silver-blue glow of the Castle of Lions getting closer and closer from a window across the room.

 

He thinks that if he tilts his heads and squints his eyes just so, it looks like they’re flying right into a star; thinks about the pain that comes from getting too close to something beautiful like that; thinks about the pain that will come from seeing the family he’s left behind and thinks there’s something poetic or metaphorical about all this, but Keith is too tired to care much for poetry and metaphors. Too tired to care past anything besides putting one foot in front of the other with his heavy heart dragging behind him and the weight of a universe on his shoulders; but he is not Atlas. He was never meant to carry anyone besides himself.

 

 _“It was almost over,”_ a longing voice in his head tells him. _“Did you really want it to be?”_ another says.

 

 _‘Did I?’_ he thinks.

 

But the time for thinking is over as they dock on the castleship. Kolivan had told him the team had contacted him before Keith made it back on board, requesting their presence immediately, and as Keith walks a path that’s branded into his brain towards the people that are branded in his heart, he can’t help but think that maybe dying would’ve hurt a little less than having to walk away from them again.

 

But this pain is not a new one to Keith, and so with a breath far too heavy for someone so young, he patches up the cracks in his resolve and soldiers on behind Kolivan onto the bridge as the door slides open. He’s met with the sound of his name despairingly said by several voices. _‘Oh’_. He realizes then what this is about. _‘They know.’_

They yell at him, words tainted with a fear that sounds bone deep, and Keith feels the cracks he patched up leaking through at the worry etched onto their faces. He was never good at fixing things anyways.

 

 The yelling stops quickly, turns into silent tears from Pidge, shiny eyes from Hunk and Allura, a deep look of concern that looks wrong on Coran’s face, turns into Shiro looking at him with a sadness that, if Keith wasn’t very much alive and here, would have himself thinking he really did die today. Turns Lance’s bright blue ocean eyes into an empty gray, too still in his face for a boy that never stops moving.

 

“You told them.” He looks at Matt, who, despite hardly knowing Keith, looks upset.

 

“Dude, something like that,” he takes a breath, “they deserved to know.”

 

“How could you do something like that, Keith?” it’s Pidge who says it, walking up to him and grabbing onto his arm like the frightened child she has every right to be, “how could you _do_ something like that without telling us? You didn’t even say goodbye. What if you—” she cuts herself off, shoving her face into his stomach and wrapping her thin arms around his waist. Keith feels worse than he thinks he has the right to.

 

“I’m sorry I worried you guys,” because he is, “but I’m not sorry I did it,” because he’s not. He looks down as Pidge sniffles and walks away from him.

 

“Keith,” it’s Shiro this time and Keith cannot meet his eyes. “Keith, what if it worked? What if Lotor hadn’t shot through the shield?”

 

 _‘Then I’d be dead.’_ Keith thinks, but he considers it best to not say that out loud. He looks up and what he does say is this: “Look, I didn’t like it, okay? I didn’t want to do it but I had no choice. At that moment, it was me or ten entire solar systems. Me or _trillions_ of innocent lives. Me or you guys. And all that is way more important than I am.”

 

“What the fuck, dude?” and Lance’s voice is like another chain around Keith’s already heavy heart. Keith looks at him, looks at the fire that’s ignited in his eyes, turning them back into Keith’s favourite colour, looks at the line in between his eyebrows that appears when he frowns, looks at the way he looks angry and sad and afraid all at once and feels another, entirely separate type of sadness wash over himself. “You don’t get it, do you?” he goes on, and Keith will take the chastising if it means Lance stops being so still. “You didn’t say _anything_. You didn’t have the decency to let us know what you were gonna do. You left us once and you tried to leave us again. You say we’re more important than you are, which is bullshit, just by the way, but what _about_ us, Keith? Did it occur to you for even a second what losing you would do to us? Not as Voltron, not as paladins, not as defenders of the universe or whatever other crap, but to us as your friends? As your family? The people who love you?”

 

And Keith thinks that dying would have definitely been less painful than this.

 

“No,” he says, and it’s dragged out from a dark place inside him and it’s awful because it’s true, “because you were fine when I left the first time, so you would’ve been fine again.”

 

“We weren’t fine!” Lance yells and Keith finds it much easier to deal with his anger than sadness. “We _still_ aren’t. We need you here—”

 

“You don’t,” and Keith changes his mind, cannot take the things Lance is saying anymore, cannot be here anymore, staring at the open faces of the people he let himself get too close to. “You don’t because if you _did_ , then you would’ve said something by now. You would’ve asked me to come back but you haven’t. You would’ve tried to stop me from leaving in the first place but you _didn’t_. No one even _tried_.” It’s like ripping off a band aid – painful but it needs to be done. Keith needs to let them know without outright admitting it, that he is sad and alone and afraid. But each word that comes out of his mouth is sharp like the twist of a knife in his heart, is aggressive like the way fire spreads and licks up the walls of a house. Keith looks at the people he’s made his home and thinks it’s only fitting that he ends up burning the house down. “If you needed me, if you wanted me back — then I would’ve been back.” With that he turns around and walks away, thinks of the look of sadness and guilt on his friends faces, thinks of how it was him who put that look there, thinks of how he’s leaving ashes in his wake.

 

 

**

 

After walking the halls for a while, he finds himself in front of the door to his room.

 

He keeps walking.

 

**

 

Keith ends up in an observation room he and Lance stumbled upon once.

 

_“Come on, Keith, live a little!” his voice is full of laughter._

_Keith, despite intending to give in – because when doesn’t he, when it comes to Lance – holds out a little longer. “I’m not gonna play tag with you.”_

_“Come on,” Lance repeats, “it’ll be fun! There’s running, which is exercise, which is fun for you, and there’s kicking ass and winning! Which is fun for me.” He says it with a crooked smile and a challenge in his voice, but his eyes are honest and inviting and Lance always knows the right things to say to Keith, to get him to do what he wants. So, he agrees._

_He tears down the hall after him, because Lance plays dirty and pushed Keith into a wall during their game of rock paper scissors to determine who was it._

_He tears down the hall after him, a shout of betrayal making its way out of his throat, and feels alive._

_He tears down the hall after him, Lance’s laughter crashing into his heart like the waves of the ocean onto the sand, and knows he is in love. He’s a coward though, afraid of something that’s so much bigger than him, and cannot say it out loud._

_After twisting and turning down corridors that eventually become unfamiliar, Lance stops running abruptly, not giving Keith enough time to slow down, so he ends up sending them both sprawling onto the ground. “What the hell, dude?”_

_“Have you ever seen this room before?”_

_He looks around as Lance reaches down to help him up. Keith pretends he doesn’t notice how Lance doesn’t let go right away, ignores the way his heart stutters in a way that’s unrelated to their running. The room is all window, from the walls to the ceiling, giving the two of them a clear view of the galaxy surrounding them. Lance drags him over to the other side, and lets go of his hand only to press his own two against the glass._

_“It’s so pretty,” he says, and his voice is soft and full of awe and Keith wants to wrap himself up inside it._

_“Space is always pretty,” he replies, gazing out towards a field of stars and planets and nebulae._

_Lance clears his throat, “It’s kinda romantic, don’t you think?”_

_He smiles but it feels wrong. “I guess,” he’s still looking out the window. “Too bad you’re largely unsuccessful in most of your romantic endeavors.” He expects a laugh, or a huff of indignation, or for Lance to defend himself. What he doesn’t expect is for Lance to say his name, sounding far more serious than Keith would imagine the situation calls for. He looks at him then, looks into Lance’s eyes where he can see the reflection of all those pretty stars, feels the warmth of Lance’s hand near his own again, and feels like pieces of a puzzle are coming together. Lance doesn’t say anything else after his name, doesn’t do anything else at all, because the alarm blares, bringing them back to face a grim reality._

_Lance doesn’t say anything else after his name, but Keith thinks he heard him anyways._

Keith looks out that same window now. He knows that despite not being in the same area, the stars should look the same. Should still be a beautiful sight. He wonders why it isn’t. Wonders if it has anything to do with the lack of warmth beside him this time.

 

Though before he can dig himself deeper into a hole of introspection and anger and sadness, he hears the door slide open.

 

“I had a feeling I’d be able to find you here.”

 

He doesn’t respond.

 

“Although,” Lance continues, “I am impressed with myself for actually being able to find it again.” He walks up next to Keith and looks at the stars. Keith doesn’t look at him though, he keeps his eyes focused on the galaxy around them which, suddenly, seems very pretty after all. “I guess,” he says softly, “maybe it has something to do with wanting to be near you all the time.”

 

Keith closes his eyes and leans his forehead on the glass.

 

“Keith.” And his voice is as serious as it was when Keith chased Lance up here. “Keith, look at me.”

 

And he can’t; can’t drown in the ocean, can’t get sucked out into space. Can’t walk back into a burning house – they all end up with him getting hurt and Keith has lived his entire life avoiding this very thing. He hears Lance sigh and the heavy sound it makes resonates in his own lungs.

 

“Come home,” he whispers. Keith looks at him then and wishes he didn’t. He’s staring at him openly, with sorrow on his face and he is so beautiful and so kind and honest and funny and Keith loves him so much and – “You’re just saying that because I flipped out.”

 

“No, I’m not. You have to listen to me. You have to look me in the eye and listen to what I have to say to you. You owe me that much. After what you did today, after the way you’ve been pulling away from us, there’s some things I gotta say, and you owe it to me to listen,   _please_.” And so he does, because Lance always knows the right things to say to Keith, to get him to do what he wants.

 

“Okay,” he says, and his voice shakes.

 

Lance takes a deep breath, grabs Keith’s hands and throws it all out. “First and foremost, there’s something you have to understand. When you told us you wanted to leave, we didn’t stop you because we didn’t want to force you into staying here. We know you, Keith. You wouldn’t have been happy. We thought you felt like that was the best option for you. But that wasn’t it. It’s because you felt like it was the only option. I _know_ you’re not happy with the Blade, but that doesn’t matter to you, does it? Because you feel like you’re useful there.” Keith says nothing, can’t say anything past the massive knot that has formed in his throat. Lance lets out a sigh and hunches his shoulders.

 

“You don’t get it, do you?” he says with sad realization. “You literally don’t get it and that’s the problem. Keith, we – you’re so important to us. To each and every one of us. There has not been a single day that’s passed by since you left that someone hasn’t mentioned you. Hell, sometimes I turn my head to say something to you, because you _should be there_ , and you’re not. And that _kills_ me. You don’t realize that. You don’t know how important you are, how much we want you here, how much we need you around. It’s why you left. Apart from that ‘being a part of the mission’ bullshit, you left because you felt like you aren’t needed here. I’m right, aren’t I?”

 

Keith doesn’t reply, can’t even think of the words to explain how Lance has hit the nail directly on the head, but it must show on his face because one second he’s staring into concerned blue eyes and the next he’s being pulled into Lance’s arms.

 

“Oh, Keith, you idiot,” he says into his hair. “For someone so intuitive you really did not have the right read on this whole situation.” Keith doesn’t say anything, because the second he opens his mouth to reply, a sob comes out. He clutches onto Lance like a lifeline and lets himself crumble.

 

**

 

Once he gets it all out of his system, Lance pulls back, wipes his thumbs under Keith’s eyes, whispers, “We miss you, we need you here. We love you, Keith,” and presses a kiss to his forehead. He pulls back again and looks into Keith’s eyes, blue staring into indigo, and whispers, “ _I_ miss you. _I_ need you here.” A deep breath.

 

“I love you, Keith.

 

I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with it. You not being here kind of doesn’t help. You almost killing yourself definitely doesn’t help. I love you, and I’m terrified of losing you.” and presses a kiss to his lips.

 

Keith closes his eyes, and as he parts his lips to press back, he feels like he can breathe.

 

“Lance.” He says after they pull apart. He doesn’t say anything else after his name, but he thinks Lance hears him anyways.

 

“Come back.” he whispers against Keith’s lips. “Please come back. Please come home, Keith. Come back to me.”

 

And he will, because Lance always knows the right things to say to Keith, to get him to do what he wants.

 

“Okay.” Keith whispers back.

 

**

 

Keith lays on a bed that isn’t his.

 

Kolivan has returned to the Blade of Marmora base – alone.

 

Keith lays on a bed that isn’t his, and Lance lays next to him.

 

They had told the others that Keith had decided to come home – leaving out the more personal aspects of the conversation. For tonight, this thing between them is just theirs.

 

They had all been overjoyed. Tears of happiness, lots of hugs, lots of excited, mindless chatter. After hearing Lance’s perspective, Keith could see he’d been letting a lifelong fear hinder his judgement. Can see now that these people do need him – not for what he can offer, but because he is their friend and they don’t want to be without him.

 

The fear isn’t gone. It’s clawed itself in too deep to be removed so easily, but it’s less now. Before, there had been nothing arguing against it, nothing trying to prove his own worth. Now, however, there was a cacophony of voice, seven of them, all telling him he has somewhere he belongs. People he belongs with.

 

He looks over at Lance. Looks at the boy who stayed put in the house Keith did his very best to burn down, who put the flames out, who gathered his tools and started building a new one. It’s then Keith realizes that maybe his fear will never completely go away, that there may be times when he tries to burn the house down again.

 

It’s also then that he realizes it doesn’t matter. That he can burn down as many houses as he needs, and that these people will always be there to help build a new one. That he can burn down the house, but as long as he has them, he will always have a _home_.

 

He looks over at Lance, at the boy whose laughter crashes into Keith’s heart like the waves of the ocean onto the sand, whose eyes shine bright with a love as infinite and as pretty as space,  and knows he is in love. This time, he gathers his courage and says as much.

 

And the look of peace and happiness and pure unadulterated love that appears on Lance’s face at his confession has Keith thinking that maybe, just maybe, he knows the right things to say to Lance, too.


End file.
